The H-Bitez Collection
by KashianXanthe
Summary: These are just a collection of short stories reminiscent of the ever popular G-Bitez series on the Gorillaz YouTube channel. All of these will be post-Plastic Beach and will either be in the time period of hiatus or "in the now" so to speak. Some will be funny, some will be happy, and some will be just plain weird. Enjoy!
1. Catfished

**The H-Bitez Collection**

 _By: KKM_

 _Disclaimer:_ I do not own the _Gorillaz_ or any related characters/songs. _Gorillaz_ are Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett.

* * *

 **Summary:**

These are just a collection of short stories reminiscent of the ever popular _G-Bitez_ series on the _Gorillaz_ _YouTube_ channel. All of these will be post- _Plastic Beach_ and will either be in the time period of hiatus or "in the now" so to speak. I will be working on these between working on my own projects so I do not have a definite answer of how frequent or infrequent these will be, but the idea has been driving me crazy so I gave into it. Enjoy!

* * *

 **Catfished**

"No, no, _no!_ " the demon base player's voice echoed through the room in irritation as he began to pace the room with purpose. "It's still no' right, ya' bloody wanker!" he complained, pausing to glare at the tired looking man who had unknowingly provoked his ire.

"But _Murdoc_ ," Jamie emphasized his name with only a slight hint of the accent he'd acquired since living in France over the past several years. "I've taken the picture _twelve_ times now. It's what you look like, man! I swear I haven't done anything to it. I mean, I've taken enough shots. If it's that big of a deal, I can just draw you lot like I normally do," he sighed, trying very hard not to roll his eyes at the other man's petty behavior. He suddenly remembered why he liked to keep these sessions to a minimum.

They were all currently in one of his old art studios doing a photoshoot for the new album. There was nothing particularly new about this set up. He'd done this many times before. Each time he would have them try new outfits and poses before taking the stills in front of a blank backdrop so that he could draw them as the weird zany cartoon characters that the fans knew and loved. But that's not what Murdoc had wanted this time. He had wanted something new and fresh. Something no one had ever seen before, he'd said - actual photographs of themselves.

It seemed like an interesting idea to Jamie, so he'd initially been on board with the idea. He'd dabbled in photography back in the day and even now he liked to post peculiar photographs he'd played with on his _Instagram_ , so why not?

It had gone extremely well at first. He'd started out with Noodle because she'd seemed the least shy about the idea. He loved the sunglasses that she'd already been wearing and found that under the dingy lighting of the studio that if she tilted her head a certain way it would cause an interesting arched shadow affect. She looked so fierce and grown up. He could barely believe that she was still that energetic little girl that used to run around his studio causing chaos and shouting in rapid Japanese dialect anymore with how calm and focused she always seemed now.

After Noodle, it had been Russel's turn. They had looked through the random wardrobe and they'd picked out and tried a couple of different pieces before deciding on a leopard fedora and a tan overcoat. He looked fun, but still had that smooth toughness about him. Jamie had snapped quite a few photos of the large man, but hadn't found one he liked until he caught a candid photo of Russ looking up at them in confusion after 2D had tried rather unsuccessfully to tell Noodle a joke he'd heard the night before.

2D's shoot was where the real trouble with their leader had began. The wardrobe hadn't been hard at all. Surprisingly with 2D's tall awkward frame, he still looked good in almost anything. It also helped that 2D had modeling experience from the time when the band had been split up before the _Plastic Beach_. 2D barely had to even try as he gazed up at the camera with hooded eyes and his head tilted slightly. It was a well-kept secret of his that he'd only perfected what most knew as the _sex eyes_ due to his poor vision. The lights were always so bright against his already blurry vision that it just came naturally to him. All he had to do was relax his face and _wah-la! Perfection!_

"Not bad, Toochi," Noodle had complimented as she'd looked over Jamie's shoulder while absently enjoying a sucker she'd found in a candy dish on a nearby counter.

"Yeah, man. Not bad at all," Russ had nodded in approval from the side causing the singer to flash them both a big dopy grin before sliding off the stool.

"Yo' turn, Mudz!" he'd chimed, moving to take a seat with the others to watch, his long legs somehow managing to swing childishly over the edge of the tabletop he sat on. He didn't catch the jealous look his friend shot him before taking his place on the stool.

Murdoc had been fairly confident going in. He chose a simple leather jacket and some blue shades before giving the camera all he had. Be the time he was done, he was smirking so arrogantly that they thought for sure he'd be happy with the results. But as soon as he'd waltzed over to take a look, his smirk had turned into a horrible sneer and he'd started berating Jamie as if it was the artist's fault that his pictures were less than stellar.

"Murdoc-san, perhaps you should just accept that you're getting old…?" Noodle snickered, as she pretended to pick at her nails with interest. She'd finished her sucker long ago and was getting bored from all of the senseless bickering. 2D gasped and looked at her like she was insane, but Russ merely chuckled and opted to stay silent as he watched the older man's eye twitch in annoyance.

" _Old!?_ " he practically frothed at the mouth. "M'not old, you lil' brat! Russ' practically tha' same age as me an' his looks _fiiiiine_. A bit on the blank side in tha' shot, bu' _fine_ nonetheless," he argued with a snort. She merely arched on of her eyebrows at him as if she was still unimpressed with his excuses. This only caused Murdoc to fish for more insults, though he seemed to wisely keep her name out of it. "An' Faceache ova' here barely even 'ad teh try. Looks li' he's posing fo' a damn pageant or something. It's li' your fuckin' 'em up on purpose! How are tha' fans supposed teh get the full effects of me mojo if you can' even take a proper picture?"

"But there's nothing wrong with _any_ of your pictures!" Jamie pointed out, spinning his laptop around so that Murdoc could see them more clearly. "The whole point was to show that world what the _Gorillaz_ look like, and _this,"_ he motioned frantically at the screen, _"is_ what you look like. So what's the real problem here?" he grumbled. He'd never had an issue like this working with them before so he was getting frustrated about it.

"You wanna' know wha' tha' problem is, mate?" Murdoc narrowed his eyes before approaching them. Jamie visibly flinched as the Satanist jerked the laptop away from him roughly. He'd almost thought the other man was just going to break it outright. He shared a concerned look with the rest of the band as they watched him take the machine to the other side of the room and begin to click away muttering things at it like, "Sof'n tha' shit up there," and, "Hmn, yesss. Jus' remove a bi' of that."

Finally after what seemed like forever, he returned to them with a bounce in his step and showed them his handiwork looking pleased at the shocked, disgusted looks on their faces.

"That doesn't even look like you, man," Russ said, his milky gaze fixed on the heavily edited photograph. "I'm not even sure I can tell that yo' nose is still broken in this."

Noodle finally let out a laugh and stood up to slap Murodc on the shoulder just to get on his nerves. "You even removed the wrinkles! Not even a single bag under your eyes," she teased, pinching his cheek. He lightly pushed her away and crossed his arms attempting to hide the slight redness of his cheeks, but refusing to admit he'd gone a bit overboard.

"I fink he looks li' a Ringo-y Elvis," 2D said slowly, looking back and forth between the photo and his friend. At this, Murdoc smacked him upside the head causing him to yelp and the others to glare. "Well, ya' _do,_ " he defended with a whine.

Jamie silently noticed that Murdoc had even zoomed the picture in a little just so that his head was slightly bigger than the others… how _fitting_. He cleared his throat. "Murdoc… you can't be serious…" he trailed off, watching as the older man's smirk lifted into a predatory grin.

"Oh, I'm dead serious," he replied, standing a little taller. "This's the one we'll use. The birds'll love it!"

"I fink they have a name fo' wot yo' doing," 2D said cautiously rubbing his now aching head. "They's gotta' show an' everyfin' onnit."

"Oh, yeah? Then what's it called?" Murdoc challenged, giving him the evil eye.

" _Catfish_." Jamie interrupted snapping a picture while they hadn't been paying attention. And with a sly smile of his own, a few minutes later a meme was born.

* * *

 **A/N:** So one of my favorite _Humanz_ memes is the one where there's a picture of Murdoc from the album cover next to a picture of himself from the live interview he did with 2D that says "Profile pic vs. Real life." If you google _Murdoc Humanz Meme_ it's the very first one that pops up. I can totally see him pitching a fit and photoshopping the fuck out of his picture until it outshined the others.

Anyways, this kind of sets the scene for these shorts. Some of them will be funny. Some of them will be sad, and some of them will be downright weird. Since they're all super short they'll be manageable for me to do between everything else I'm working on (Yay, another project!). I've got at least six more that I know for sursies I'll do, but I'm open to requests as well. I'd probably do those after my planned ones.


	2. Blind Date

**The H-Bitez Collection**

 _By: KKM_

 _Disclaimer:_ I do not own the _Gorillaz_ or any related characters/songs. _Gorillaz_ are Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett.

* * *

 **Summary:**

These are just a collection of short stories reminiscent of the ever popular _G-Bitez_ series on the _Gorillaz_ _YouTube_ channel. All of these will be post- _Plastic Beach_ and will either be in the time period of hiatus or "in the now" so to speak. I will be working on these between working on my own projects so I do not have a definite answer of how frequent or infrequent these will be, but the idea has been driving me crazy so I gave into it. Enjoy!

* * *

 **Blind Date**

" _Ooof!_ " 2D whimpered as he ran into yet another wall. He winced and scratched his head in confusion before glaring at the hard surface. "When did tha' get there?" he asked absently.

"It's _always_ been there, dumbass," Murdoc laughed causing Russ to snicker beside him as they watched the lanky man in rapt fascination. 2D had just returned from an eye appointment and his already horrible vision was even worse now that his fractured eyes were more dilated than usual. He kept walking into everything and tripping over himself with the grace of a giraffe on oxy.

Originally he'd been given a pair of cheap dark sunglasses to try and help with some of the blurriness, but those had gotten lost somewhere on the trip from the ophthalmologist to back home again. Russel had chaperoned him and Murdoc had only started accompanying them once they'd returned and he realized how funny it was that the singer literally couldn't seem to see 5 inches in front of his face. This show had been too good for the green man to miss.

"What's going on in here?" A suspicious feminine voice sounded from the doorway. The two eldest men turned to see Noodle watching them with her arms crossed and her eyebrow arched at them accusingly.

"Ahhhhhh, jus' in time girlie!" Murdoc grinned before he grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her in. He gave Russel a conspiring look before turning back to Noodle to allow her in on the fun. "Our idiot singa' jus' came back from tha' docta' and is as blind as a bat!"

"You're point?" the guitarist asked in a less than impressed voice as she looked between them.

"The point," Murdoc paused with a sigh, "is tha' we c'n prolly get 'im to do woteva an' he wouldn't be none the wiser. Wanker'd prolly walk offa cliff if we let 'im." When Noodle's eyes widened in horror he gulped and quickly backtracked. "Not that we'd eva' _do_ that o' course."

"I've got an idea," Russ said suddenly, causing them both to look at him inquiringly. Instead of answering he grinned and to their great confusion grabbed the nearby hatstand that had been resting innocently in the corner. Then he casually approached the singer who was now standing quite still and staring off into his own little world. When Russ dropped the hatstand in front of him with a loud _clank_ , the blue haired man jumped and looked up at him wide eyed.

"Oh, hi there Russ!" he greeted with a nervous smile. "I din' see you there. Wot've you got there?"

"It's cool 'D," Russ smirked, draping his arm lazily around the hatstand. "Oh this? This beautiful lady is Giselle. She wanted to say hi, but she's a bit shy…" he trailed off, waiting for the other's mind to catch up.

"Oh g-goodness!" 2D sputtered, looking horribly apologetic. "Din' mean teh offend you, love. Me eyes aren't teh best, you see?" he narrowed his dark eyes at the hatstand a bit as if trying to see it better before suddenly giving ' _her_ ' a smile. "My, but you are lovely aren't you?"

"I'll just let you two get acquainted," Russ said with a wink before leaning toward 2D and purposefully whispering, "She's all yours, dawg."

When Russel returned to where his other two bandmates were standing watching the bazaar scene he gave them a somewhat proud, smug look. "Easy-peasey."

"What the actual fuck," Noodle muttered as she watched in rapt fascination as 2D chatted up the piece of furniture. He even made a show of pausing and waiting for responses that apparently only he could hear.

Beside her, Murdoc looked like a kid that had been told Christmas was coming early this year. "You're a bloody genius, lards!" he whispered, very much wishing he'd brought popcorn with them. Before Russel could reply, 2D suddenly turned to them with a huge gap-toothed grin.

"Hey, guys! M'takin' Gisselle onna' date! She din' say yes per say, but she din' say _no_ either so that's somefin' innit? Righ' coy minx, this one." he gushed, pulling the hatstand close to him as if to give her a side hug. A surprised look passed over his face and he looked beside him a moment before speaking to his date again. "Your ratha' thin, aren't you? Perhaps we should get dinna' and a movie."

"I c'n drive yeh," Murdoc offered gleefully, the car keys already dangling from his clawed finger. "After all, yeh prolly shouldn't be drivin', Mate. With yer eyes an' all," he added as an afterthought.

2D blinked and gave him an odd look before suddenly smiling again and nodding. "That'd be great, Muds! Yo' teh best!"

" _What are you doing?_ " Noodle hissed to the bassist as 2D continued jabbering away to his date on all sorts of random subjects.

"Wot? Yeh don't think I'd miss this, do yeh?" Murdoc asked incredulously. This shit was golden! He doubted he'd have found anything this good on TV.

"Come on, baby-gurl. Live a little," Russ chuckled, grabbing her gently by the shoulders and steering her toward the door.

In no time at all, they were all piled into the GEEP. Murdoc and Noodle were in the front seat and Russel was squeezed into the back with 2D. The hatstand was wedged in between them and Russel tried not to groan as the metal dug painfully against his large hip. The bigger man was more than pleased when they came to a screeching halt outside of an old diner called _Pop's Famous Malts_.

"There we are love," 2D said in a gentlemanly manner as he 'helped' his date out of the vehicle. "Nice an' easy." Then, with a bounce in his step he eagerly left his friends for the restaurant. They watched from one of the windows as a rather bemused hostess led the strange duo to a small cozy booth.

"Do you think we should follow them?" Noodle asked, still looking mildly concerned.

"Well, what kind of friends would we be if we didn't?" Russel's laugh boomed beside her as he led the way inside. "With his eyesight as bad as it is right now, he won't notice a thing!"

It turned out Russ was right about that. The three bandmates were seated a couple of tables down giving them a nice view as they all took turns peeking over their menus. They could hear 2D rattling on incessantly about why eggs were his favorite food and how he didn't understand why Murdoc always snickered when he ate them. "S'like he's neva' seen a chap 'ave breakfast befo'! You'd fink I wos eaten a _chicken_ o' somefing. I asked Russ 'bout it, but he told me jus' teh ignore 'im." The blue haired man was completely oblivious to the fact that his much larger friend didn't have the heart to tell him that eggs were indeed something to be avoided by vegetarians.

" _Idiot_ ," Murdoc muttered under his breathe, waiting for a waitress to pass by before he quickly pulled a flask from inside his jacket and dumped something that looked suspiciously like whiskey in his coffee before swiftly pocketing it again and enjoying the heated beverage. He'd never cared for these American themed restaurants. Coffee was disgustingly bitter without the extra help.

Meanwhile, 2D was enjoying some salad that had just been served to him and sighed a bit in comfortable silence as he gazed adoringly across the table at 'Gisselle.' She hadn't asked him to shut up at all and instead was letting him take the lead in their conversations which was rare. She may have been rather shy and quiet, but he was really starting to enjoy her company.

"Can I get you anything else, hun?" the waitress asked, trying not make eye contact with the seemingly eyeless man and his rather… odd choice of partner. Maybe she should think about switching to the day shift…

"No, I fink I'm fine. Giselle?" he asked with a smile before staring blankly at the other side of the table. The waitress sweat dropped and waited for some sort of response, but 2D continued to stare at the hatstand silently as if waiting for an answer.

"Well, erm…" the waitress began fidgeting leaning from one foot to the other. She was so uncomfortable that she didn't even hear the fit of giggles and snorts of laughter that was coming from a few tables down as they watched with rapt amusement. "I, uhhhh guess I'll go get your tab then?" she asked very slowly, the end of her sentence going up slightly in pitch. 2D's head suddenly snapped in her direction causing her to jump a bit.

"Sure, that'd be lovely," 2D shrugged, his blurry vision unable to make out her obvious discomfort. He cocked his head to the side as the waitress suddenly turned and stalked off muttering about the 'crazy weirdos' that always seemed to show up on her shift. "Wonder wot that was about," he muttered before smiling apologetically to his date and starting up a new conversation.

A short time later they all had piled into the Geep once more before it came to a stop in front of the movie theater. They all purchased their tickets to the newest horror flick before waiting as Russel stood in line for popcorn. Once everyone was ready, 2D grinned and began to lead them to their theater with both his tickets in hand. He confidentially approached the bellhop and handed him the tickets before moving to walk in.

"Uh, sir. What do you think you're doing?" the bellhop asked, giving the singer and incredulous look.

"Well, wot's it look li' I'm doing?" 2D asked impatiently, his arm draped around 'Giselle.' "I'm takin' me girlfriend out onna' date."

The bellhop blinked at him hard before frowning. "You can't go in there with _that_ ," he said, pointing at the man's date. "It's a tripping hazard."

"Wot do yeh mean wif _that_ ," 2D nearly growled, obviously offended as he puffed out his chest to defend his date's honor. Beside him, the remaining Gorillaz stepped back, each munching on Russel's popcorn as they watched how this one would play out. "Tha's pretty rude, if I don't say so meself."

"It's a hatstand." The bellhop deadpanned narrowing his eyes slightly at them.

"Wot are ya' talkin' about, mate?" 2D shook his head with a huff. "This's Giselle, no' a hatstand."

" _No,_ " the bellhop groaned, looking very much as if he'd like nothing more than to bang his head against the wall. "That's definitely a hatstand. No hatstands will be permitted into the theater no matter whose date they are."

2D gave the man a perturbed look before glancing back at his bandmates. When they just shrugged at him he looked forward again with a slightly lost look on his face. "G-Giselle?" he asked uncertainly as he squinted at the silent thin figure beside him. "B-but," his lower lip trembled a bit as he very slowly made out the iron claws of 'her' figure. Then as if to add insult to injury the bellhop took his hat off with a sigh and placed it on one of the hooks. 2D gasped and let go.

" _No!_ B-But I _loved_ y-you!" he slumped to his knees with sorrow now causing a huge scene as everyone stopped and turned to face the man who was crying obscenely over a hatstand. One mother even covered her child's eyes. "W-we had sucha' l-lovely time t-togetha'" he was sobbing as he lifted himself back up with wobbly legs and made as if he couldn't stand to look. "I-I'll neva' forget you!" he promised in anguish as he started to walk away.

"So, does this mean you're _not_ going in to see the movie?" the bellhop sighed and was promptly ignored.

"Are you okay, Toochie?" Noodle asked with a worried expression on her face as she tried very hard to ignore their leader who by now was rolling around on the floor dying of laughter.

2D looked down at her with watery eyes. "I jus' though she wos special," he mourned before coming to a halt in front of them. Russel and Noodle exchanged looks as the singer became still and his wet face lax with eyes unblinking. Just when Noodle was about to speak again she nearly jumped out of her skin with a shriek of surprise as 2D suddenly became reanimated with a carefree grin on his face. "Hiya Noods! Now, wot were we doin'? Oooo, popcorn!"

They both watched in disbelief as the lanky man casually plucked the bucket from Russ and waltzed into the theater passing the hatstand with not a care in the world.

"Uhhhh, what just happened?" Noodle asked absently, feeling a headache coming on.

"Sometimes it's just best just not to ask," Russel smiled and then shrugged before the two followed their friend through the darkened door not even batting an eye as Murdoc was escorted from the premises behind them still laughing his ass off.

* * *

 **A/N:** Lol, so this is just a silly little one-shot I came up with between trying not to drown in my sudden inflex of homework. I got the idea from an artist I follow on DA who goes by 2D-Dipper. She'd drawn a picture of 2D on a date with a hatstand. Apparently around the time that _Sleeping Powder_ was released, 2D was answering questions live on Reddit and someone asked him if he's ever fallen in love to which he replied, "I fall in love quite often. But due to my poor eyesight, sometimes with the wrong people. The other day I fell in love with a beautiful lady, until someone told me it was actually a hatstand. It was a shame cos our first date was going really well. Until they told me at the cinema I wasn't allowed to bring a hatstand in with me." Who could resist turning _that_ into a short? 2D is too fucking adorable for his own good.


End file.
